Two years ago I felt my life was just swirling past me, I had so much to do, and each activity was of such importance! It had to be done and by me. I felt like I was running to catch up and yet I was always behind. Every single activity that I was participating in was a “good” thing for me to be doing. No one could say that any of the activities I was part of were anything but beneficial to me as a Christ follower, Wife, Mom, homeschooler, church goer, friend. But my head was tired of it all, my body was fighting me and I was slowly becoming miserable.
So, I slowly systematically started saying no.
- Want to join a walking club in town, in the middle of your school day? No, thank you, not this year.
- We need you to create an amazing class for co-op! No, sorry I can only be a helper this year.
- Honey, I need you to take care of these 5 things for my business that I should have gotten done last month. No, sorry, you will have to do it yourself. I can offer guidance but it really is your job.
Slowly, I stripped myself of my to-do list and guarded myself from adding new, exciting things to fill that new empty space in my life. It’s amazing how many great opportunities have presented themselves lately! However, I knew I needed to just be quiet.
One afternoon, I actually sat in my bedroom and day dreamed all afternoon. Three whole hours doing nothing but staring at the clouds and fanaticizing. Call me lazy. It’s ok. I’ll answer to it. That afternoon was one of my favorite restful days I have taken in a long time. My body actually felt as stress free as if I’d just finished a massage. The stress of going constantly had started some problems physically for me. Those issues are dissipating without drugs because I had the time to nourish my body with what it needed most healthy foods and peace.
Over a month ago, my husband and I lost a friend to a heart issue. He was 14 years older than me. Throughout the following weeks, I was able walk his dear wife through her fog of grief. I was able to hold her hand, stand beside her and nourish her body and soul. Later on I realized that I could do that because I had carved out time for what really mattered, just being with people.
I no longer needed to attend a meeting. I was able to attend a grieving soul.
I no longer was pressuring myself to write the best curriculum for my class. I was available to write lists for a forlorn wife as she started her new solitary life.
I realized later, I couldn’t have done this on my own. I had time, to devote myself to helping this dear friend during that week, because I was blessed enough to have a friend who watched over my children for me. That was a huge blessing for our whole family. I think God had started to clear a path in my life years ago to help me be ready for this period of my life.
So, what did I learn? I learned that I do not want to go back to that crazy, spinning life. Ironically, my calendar has more activities on it then it had two years ago, but those activities belong to my children and they are hand selected to give us the most time at home together as a family. My home is calmer, quieter and I am less rushed. I am happier and actually feel sad for my friends who are “running around with their heads cut off.” I feel like I stepped off the carousel of life and I’m actually just feeling the breeze naturally on my skin for the first time. No longer does the carousel create the breeze of wind on my skin.
One dear friend came to see me, she was concerned that I was depressed. I told her I was grieving the loss of a friend and yes I could see that she would think that I was depressed but that was ok because grieving a friend was a natural thing to do. She wasn’t convinced. She felt that if I didn’t get busy again quickly I would fall into a great depression. She encouraged me to “get back in the game” of things, but I’m not longer interested in playing that game. I’m enjoying my quietness. I’m enjoying my space, my peace, my simple life. I can breathe. I can day dream. I can just be.