I spent the past few days doing some research for this blog. I went and searched out the stories of other women and who were abused. Please don’t do that. After reading a half a dozen women’s life stories, I’ve come to a conclusion. I’ve been asking God to remove those stories from my mind and I’ve decided to not tell my story in detail on this blog. My nieces and nephews who are adults and my older children have been told about this blog and I want it to be a safe place for them and learn about their Aunt Amy without damaging their minds. And this verse came to mind.
Philippians 4:8 (NIV)
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
I have shared my story in detail in the past, but it has always been over the privacy of my kitchen table with a cup of tea. I think I’ll keep that as my practice for the future.
I had a writing assignment in high school, in retrospect I was testing the door knob to see if I rattled it would anyone listen or care. We had to write in a timed matter I think I had a minute to write this, so don’t laugh, it’s not deep! LOL.
It’s the weekend and I didn’t have a date. I feel brown, I won’t tell you why so don’t ask. I feel worn down, used up and well ashamed. I’ve questioned why, many, many times. I know the answer but I try not to let myself believe it. Man do i feel blah, I wish I didn’t feel like this but there isn’t a way to stop it.
Yeah, that’s the wonder of a 15 year old’s brain. Moving isn’t it? Ok, I’m joking.
If I re-wrote that assignment this is what you would get.
As a teen I felt brown, used up, worn down and ashamed of myself. Like most women who have been abused I reacted in typical fashion. I flirted with guys but would never really let them get close to me emotionally. My girlfriends became frustrated with me because I was a flirt and I even sunk so low to flirt with their guys. While doing this I was the Christian girl in the group. Even now the thought that I was the lone example of what a Christian should do, act, behave makes me cry out to God for forgiveness. I felt alone in a sea of friendly people. I lived in my own little world. My best friend accused me once of not care about anyone else’s feelings except my own. She was right. I couldn’t care about anyone but myself. I was too busy hemorrhaging my heart as I tried to comprehend what happened to me as a child and why no one, not one single person knew what was going on except me and my abuser.
I felt like dirt. I felt like a low life. I felt the only way to stop the pain was to let others walk all over me. The problem was I was too pig headed to let them without fighting back. Do you realize that you pick on the people who you love the most? For me, as a child and a teen that was my sisters. I could pound on them without cause and when they gave me a cause I doubly enjoyed it. I was angry, mad, hurtful and hurting.
As a young wife, I remember laying in bed hurting. I cried because I felt that my marriage couldn’t possibly last because I came to this marriage used up and ashamed of myself. My husband reminded me again and again (ok, I’m a slow learner) that in his eyes what was taken from me forcibly wasn’t my choice. He loves me.
2 Corinthians 5:17
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!
I still felt brown, I still felt like dirt. Then one day God brought to my mind that brown dirt was very important. It brought new life, new fruit, new beginnings. So, I laid down, curled up at His feet and laid there being quiet, being still. After a time of rest, I felt His refreshing rain coming down over my soul. I laid there, not moving because I couldn’t disturb the roots that He was planting into me. I don’t know what kind of bush, flower or tree he’ll grown in this brown dirt. But He is doing something. Every time, He points out a weed in my life, I have to ask Him to pull it out. It hurts but I don’t want this wonder He’s growing in me to be ruined by weeds. When Satan attacks with pests, I ask God to remove them or protect me, shelter me from them. He always does.
Amazingly, over time. I was still brown, but instead of feeling like dead dirt I felt like life giving dirt. I know as farmer’s wife that land needs to sit fallow for a time. That time of rest is very important for the ground to rejuvenate itself. I can’t rejuvenate myself, but God can.
being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
The coin has now flipped where once I felt brown and ugly, now I feel brown and beautiful in His eyes.
This change doesn’t mean that what happened to me is now null and void. It does say to me that I can walk head held high in the Lord, knowing that with all my past, my future is beautiful and bright.
How about you? What colour would you describe yourself as? Every colour in the rainbow is important even the dark ones because they help to accent the lighter colours. So, go ahead play with the colours in your life. I might see myself as brown, but I am covered in crimson
coloured grace. I’m surrounded with hues of brown, grey and steely blue. Flashes of bright green, blue and orange exploded around me everyday and soft pink and purple draw me in with their warm hugs. Find a box of crayons and try to guess what colour your family
members would be drawn to first.
As for me, I’m hoping that the plant God has grown into my soil will bloom with some sort of crimson red flowers someday.