The Crimson Covered Farm Life

Forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead

When I am afraid.

I recently wrote a post called Are you scared? I started thinking about how slowly, painfully slowly at times I have been able to control conquer those fears. First I have to give each and every fear to God as He shows them to me.  That’s scary in itself! LOL  Because I loathe change!  Even good change.

For a time, Satan had a grand time making me fearful for my kids.  Foggy mornings I’d imagine that the bus would get hit by a car and they would get hurt or killed.  I’d make up an excuse to go to the school for parent council just to make sure they were ok.  Or I’d be so afraid of them falling off their bikes while riding on our rural roads that I’d nitpick at how well they did their chores so they’d have to stay home.  Neither of my older girls were allowed to ride their bikes to school because of my fears of an imaginary kidnapper.

At first I brushed these fears away, telling myself that all mothers have these fears, it’s normal. And to a point it is normal, even healthy to want your kids to be safe.  That’s why we make our kids were bike helmets, teach them about stranger danger and road safety.  But over time, these fears became paralysing.  Literally.

I would hardly function waiting for that bus to bring my kids home.  I’d make the children help me keep an immaculate home, just to keep them inside with me.  I didn’t let them do things that their cousins and friends did, just because I couldn’t emotionally let them.  Yah, I’m a nut job. I know.  Just try to love me anyways. :)

I realized one day that I had to stop.  So, I told my husband one of my fears.  I told him that I was scared to death of a plane landing on our house.

He gave me that deer in the headlights look.

You see just one road over from our home a private citizen had a landing strip.  I get to watch him take off and land from my kitchen window.  I also get to hear him cut this throttle as he does some sort of crazy death spiral over the cow pasture which is also just outside my kitchen window.  This is a very real fear.

Planes are literally cutting their engines for fun over my home, ok, over the pasture but if I can hear him he’s too close!

Anyway, I told my husband my fear. I asked him to pray with me about it.  Days later I realized that I wasn’t breaking out in a cold sweat when I heard the airplane.  Instead, I went out to watch him.  He danced around in the sky like a bird.  I felt light, free.  This was cool.  When farmer hubby came home later that day, I told him about another fear and asked him to pray with me again.

Every time, we prayed together my fear load lightened up.  My burden was lighter.
Why couldn’t I release these fears to God on my own? Why did it take telling my husband?

I think it came back to accountability.  When my husband see me afraid of something, he challenges me to release it back to God. I’m sure my husband and God both wish I’d speed up this process a bit faster.  For a time, I even had a fear journal.  I’d write down fears that I had in the journal as they appeared in my daily life. This really speed up the releasing process.  Some days, I’d make 3-4 entries and I’d read them to my dear farmer when he’d walk through the door.  I started praying he wouldn’t think I was losing my mind.  In fact, I was finding my fearless side!

Is the process over? No.  Do I have some big fears still, yes.  As much as I’m afraid of something now, I’m more afraid to not keep pushing forward towards being fear-free.  I want my children to see me grow from a worrier to a confident woman who isn’t afraid of what this world can bring.

How have you gotten over some of your fears?